United Kingdom of Zoo – Introduction

“I’d rather see an overweight, toothless grandmother being fucked hard by an enthusiastic dog and loving it than see the most beautiful supermodel in the world fake it with a disinterested beast.  There is nothing that compares to a couple, woman and beast, who are both seriously engaged in the idea of fucking each other.” – Luke Ozvik, 2019

The British government had so much legal bullshit to sort out in the aftermath of Brexit that it was inevitable that some loopholes would open up.  I spotted one of them, and it was a goldmine for me.

The way they changed the censorship laws had left a lot of room for ‘educational material’, and the way they worded the laws regarding bestiality meant that whilst it was illegal to fuck a dog, it was now apparently legal for a dog to fuck you.  This wasn’t deliberate, but none-the-less, that was how it was worded.

Meanwhile, the network I produced for was seeking more and more titillating and scandalous output.  The wanted sex and they wanted controversy.

I pitched the show for a joke.  Even in this new age I didn’t think they’d go for it.  They had got great ratings with my first show, ‘I Wanna Be A Pornstar’ (in which I followed 4 English girls as they set off for California to get into the porn industry), and even bigger viewing figures for my last show, ‘Gay For Pay’, in which straight members of a studio audience were encouraged to perform homosexual acts in return for cash prizes.

This time my concept was to find women who want to have sex with a dog, interview them, then give them the chance to have sex with a dog.  Film them in the act, then interview them again afterwards.  I figured we could get by on the educational angle as we were going deep into the psychology of these women, who they were, why they wanted to do this, what it would mean to them, etc.  I knew that no matter how carefully we edited it there was no way any network would ever put it on the air, so no sex would ever be on show…  But they bought it anyway.

They told me that the women on the show should be presentable.  They didn’t have to be beauty queens but we were expected to avoid what one executive described as “distractingly unattractive types”.   One could ask what kind of viewer they thought would tune in to watch a show about bestiality, only to turn-off when they see an unattractive woman.

We would call it “The United Kingdom of Zoo”, and we would make sure we covered the whole country.  England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland.  That’s 65 million people in total.  33 million of them women.  19 million of those between the ages of 18-60.  Surveys say that 3% of women have fantasized about sex with an animal, so that’s around 570,000 of those women between 18-60.  If only 3% of those were keen to act on their fantasies you’d still have 17,100.  If only 3% of those were willing to do it on camera you’d still have 513 subjects.

We went looking for them.  We advertised in local classifieds, national newspapers, internet forums, and anywhere else we could think of.  “Perverts wanted.  Must love dogs.  Apply here.”  Or words to that effect.  I didn’t expect to get anywhere near the 500 mark.  I was hoping for a dozen at best.

We got over 250 applications!

Everything from the beautiful teenager who wanted to be on television and didn’t care what she had to do to get there, to the middle aged mother of four who had always fantasized about dogs but had never told anyone, to the newly wed bride trying to please her bestiality obsessed husband.

I interviewed them all by phone or Skype, a couple came to meet me at our production office in Manchester.  Married, single.  Black, white.  Old, young.  Beautiful, ugly.  Fat, thin.  Christian, Muslim.  Gay, straight.  All points in between.  It just went on and on.  I couldn’t believe how many there were.

I was weeding out the dreamers and the cowards, leaving myself with the perverted and the brave, the fearless and the shameless.  Women who wanted to have sex with dogs, and were willing to do it on camera; willing to work without masks or pixelated images to protect their anonymity.    Maybe they weren’t the best looking group of women in the history of television, but I think we did an okay job…  Most of them were pleasant enough to look at.  Some were stunning.  Others were not-so-hot.  But all of them wanted to be there.  They all had their reasons and because of that within each of them was a sense of excitement and adventure, fun and most importantly, passion.  How they looked or what age they were didn’t really matter.  This was all about what they wanted to do, not what they looked like.  A celebration of perversion in the United Kingdom.

We also went on a dog-hunt.  We were looking for experienced dogs with trustworthy owners.  Big dogs, we didn’t want anyone to be disappointed.  They also needed to be photogenic dogs who would ‘interest’ our audience.  Preliminary market research suggested that the bigger and scarier the dog, the more likely people would watch.  For the first series we found four dogs from around England and Scotland – big and powerful, strong and handsome…  And ready for action.

When it came time to introduce the ladies to the dogs they would sometimes get scared, shy, or ashamed, or guilty, and not want to go through with it, and sometimes they didn’t, but most did.  I wasn’t interested in the ones who didn’t.  These are the stories of those who did.

I set out to tour the United Kingdom.  England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland.  I set out to meet these women, to get to know them and understand their fantasies, and to offer them a chance to fulfil their darkest desires and lose their bestial virginity to a well-trained dog so long as I could record it for broadcast on this show.  I thought I’d be on the road for a couple of weeks.  I had no idea we’d have so many applicants or that I’d be on the road for so long.

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